ectopic

Recently upon learning of a friends pregnancy I have begun to question whether I am really loved or not, by God that is. This has nothing to do with the friend, only the fact that she is pregnant and if our IVF had actually bothered to work our pregnancies would have been the same in weeks. I then also discovered the due date is two days after what would have been our due date for our ectopic pregnancy. I know a lot of people would read this and think, Really? get over it, it’s just a date. But really, to me it is not. Most people who have experienced any kind of loss associate dates with that loss.

Admittedly it’s 3 years since our ectopic, I too would also like to not remember but you know that old saying of “We’re our own worst enemy”? So let me get back to the point of this pity party, upon learning of this information I was like really God? Like I’m not having enough of a hard time struggling with this as it is, the dates have to align too? Now I can have a constant reminder of how I am a failure of a woman, not able to do the most basic of woman things, have a baby. Am I being punished? We preach that God doesn’t punish, but we have to accept the consequences of our actions but I’m not really so sure, of course He punishes, surely? Maybe by not intervening, He is punishing? I’m so confused and pretty sure God can’t possibly love me at this stage because I am a foul-mouthed, bitchy failure.

Please feel free to judge me, I am. Me with the big mouth about trusting and having faith blah blah blah. If this was a test I have failed it so badly that really I will have to go 3 grades back.

I so badly want to call up my GP for an appointment because I know he’ll give me the anti-depressants, but I don’t want to because of the 2kg’s I picked up since last seeing him in November, I’m ashamed and he will moan at me and I moan at me enough. Really I think I just don’t want to give in, I know that most days I’m okay but on days like this when I feel too much, I want to blanket my little heart with bubble wrap.