So it’s 2015 already, how completely I am not interested in this year. The anger that was missing from my last post has hit with a vengeance. Now I feel like a monster ready to eat hope and prosperity. I am jealous of other people’s hope. It’s a really horrible place to be in. I’ve read so many blogs about dealing with the aftermath of failed ivf cycles and how they don’t like who they have become etc. I now understand. I haven’t liked who I have been a lot of the time since we started trying, it’s normal to feel rage at other people’s pregnancy news, sorrow almost all the time, sadness with the defeat and so on. This process seems to have put all those feelings on crack and turned me into the crazy lady. I do, do a pretty good job of disguising the crazy so you only see the sad but in my head I feel crazy, crazy sad, crazy angry, crazy depressed, crazy defeated.
It feels like I have a year of no hope to look forward to, do you know what that looks like? It’s bleak and dark and lonely. I don’t feel like hearing any crap that I’m wallowing because that is what I’m doing but I know I will move on from the wallowing when I am ready and a little bit healed. I am tired of people who think they have all the answers when you just don’t. I appreciate the people who don’t know what to say. I never want to hear this didn’t work because I wasn’t positive enough, do you know what an absolute load of bull that is? Do you think things happen based on your attitude towards making them happen? Yes maybe buying a house, but that’s not a miraculous conception we’re talking about. We’re talking about a baby. Since babies are born of one night stands and the dreaded “oopsie” and I’m pretty sure 98% of those role player are not full of positivity to fall pregnant, don’t tell me this didn’t happen because I wasn’t positive enough, don’t even think it. Apparently I read minds too.
So with my shattered heart I am trying to keep my head above water and most days it looks like I’m doing a good job of it. All of this is crap is not fair, and I so hate that bloody word, fair. Nothing is fair, tell that to all the brokenness in this world, nothing is fair you just have to deal with it and live the best life you can. Not sure who I’m more pissed at, God, Adam and Eve or myself. I hate writing those words. I hate being angry at anybody else, let alone my Creator, so I’ll be angry at myself but at the same time I’m thinking that I feel like the kid who hasn’t gotten that overseas trip to Disney that his parents were dangling before him because they just didn’t feel the time was right because maybe he’s not mature enough, responsible enough or they just had an uneasy feeling about it. The kid doesn’t understand at all and is shattered because he was banking on it, he had the hope and now it is gone. 10/20years later that kid will know that his parents did the right thing, he wasn’t ready at that time. Hindsight is a phenomenal thing. So I think what I’m saying is the only hope I have is that God knows what He’s doing. Don’t be fooled by that sentence though, as I’m writing it I am fighting against it, because it’s a bitter pill to swallow, it’s hard to accept, because I just don’t understand what the hell is the point of all this heartbreak.
This is a disease brought on by life, the general deterioration of the quality of life. This is soul destroying, woman and man destroying and why does it happen to the people who actually want to have kids? I know, why do people get sick is a whole other line of the same thinking. My answer is normally because we live in a broken world, but you know what, that answer sucks.